Tale of the Giant Cetipede

In the past, there have been stories of centipede sightings here at 433. Some take place in the bathroom, while others take place during the night while in bed. I cannot imagine anything worse than being awoken from the purgatory of sleep to feel a hairy centipede rapidly crawling across your bare chest, perhaps ensnaring itself in a tuft of chest hair before barrelling towards the dark recesses of your bed. After hearing such tales, you start thinking of other possibilities like, maybe, centipedes crawling into your mouth to lay eggs under your skin, or feeding off of the food stuck in your teeth, all while enjoying a pleasent night's sleep.



Last night, after getting home from a Blue Jays game, I went into the bathroom to discover the largest goddamn centipede living behind the door. Probably living off of moths and spiders that also tend to cohabit the home, it reacted to my girly scream by scampering towards the hallway.


Initially I tried to kill it by throwing Zack's size 13 boot at it. After missing several times due to a combination of my lame throwing skills and its impressive agility and speed, I stabbed it with a toilet plunger. Above is the result of the conquered beast.


This photo shows the scope and size of how large this centipede was.



That is what my face looks like when pumped full of adrenaline. I was filled with emotions.


I am the Ultimate Warrior!!!! "__________!!!!" (<-- enter war cry here)


And as we do with any disgusting insect, we flushed it down the toilet.

After experiencing this horrific creature, I can see why one would buy a futon to keep themselves elevated off the ground while sleeping after having one crawl on their bare sleeping body at night, ZACK. Dear god, I just gave myself the chills.